One year -Phan
by isthisjustphantasy
Summary: One year - danisnotonfire and amazingphil. (phanphanphanfluffphanfluffphanfluffflufohshitangs t) A lot can happen in a year. Relationships are made and broken, lives begin and come to an end, events occur that can change a life forever or make no difference whatsoever. Only one thing is certain; time will pass.
1. July

_Dan was just finishing up in the bathroom. He turned to dry his hands on a towel and a flash of light caught his eye. A glint of silver, pushed hurriedly under Phil's bathrobe. Dan froze, eyes fixed on the tiny shard of metal peeking so innocently from under the folds of soft fabric. The sudden knot of pain deep in Dan's core caused his muscles to tense and his joints to lock, leaving him rigid and unmoving. His vision blurred and the room started to spin as Dan spotted the bin in the corner, overflowing with blood soaked tissues. Black red fingerprints on the shiny metal bath taps. A rust coloured stain on the white towel. Cold. He shook his head violently - forcing it to clear- and spun on the spot to head out of the door. Ugh. Why was he so squeamish. And why couldn't Phil clean up properly after himself. _

_selfish twat._

**July**

"Hai!" Waved Dan, the corners of his mouth lifting involuntarily as Phil's pixellated face flashed up on the screen. Phil grinned back, giddy with elation at the sight of Dan's dimples and his awkward little wave. "Can you hear me okay?" He beamed.

"Loud and clear!" laughed Dan. "How're you then? Miss you!" Dan made a heart with his hands which was returned instantly by Phil with a meow. "I'm okay; tragically wasting away into nothing waiting for you though! Hurry up and finish packing - miss your bootiful face!" He poked his tongue out of the corner of his mouth and grinned, cocking his head to gaze into Dan's warm brown eyes. He was full, complete, content.

* * *

Dan curled up in bed, pulling the blanket up to his chin and setting the laptop on his pillow, his eyes heavy with fatigue. "I'm not going. I'm not sleepy."

"Do you want me to sing you to sleep?" Smirked Phil, opening his mouth and sucking in a huge lungful of air, puffing his chest out.

"No shhh no please god no! I'm going I'm going!" laughed Dan, smiling fondly at Phil's puffed out cheeks as he crossed his eyes and poked his tongue out at Dan.

Phil let the breath out in a huff and pouted. "I had a beautiful lullaby all prepared!" before giggling and making another heart sign with his hands. "Night night sleep tight. Tomorrow. Can you believe it? You'll finally be here!"

"Night" smiled Dan, squeezing his fists together and scrunching up his toes with happiness. He blew a mock kiss at the camera. "Sleep well my angel!" He snickered, winking garishly.

He closed down the laptop and lay back on his pillow, gazing up at the ceiling with a soft smile etched on his face. Phil Lester danced across his mind in a drowsy haze of happiness as he drifted slowly to sleep.

* * *

The intercom buzzed and Phil leapt up to answer. "Hello?" He said, trying to keep the excitement out of his voice.

"Well hi there," came the crackly reply. "Did someone order a _fun time_? Male escorts direct, home delivery!" Dan's voice was layered thickly with a sleazy mock American accent and ridiculous deep bass note. Phil giggled, twirling the wire cord in his fingers. "Oh yes, that's for me!" He simpered, adopting a high pitched and breathy tenor, before pressing the button to allow Dan in and running to open the door.

Phil grabbed a tall flower from the vase out in the hallway and shoved it jauntily between his teeth, leaning 'seductively' in the open doorframe as he waited for the lift to arrive. It pinged and the doors slid open, revealing Dan with one leg lifted up to rest on his bulging suitcase and in the process of undoing his shirt buttons with a wink. They both burst out laughing and Dan bounded to the door to wrap Phil in a bear hug, momentarily lifting him off his feet and spinning him round with breathless laughter.

The lift pinged again and made its way back down with a shudder.

"Shit!" gasped Dan letting go of Phil. "My suitcase!"


	2. August

**August**

_A heat haze hung in the air above the white sand, creating a mirage of colours and textures shimmering lazily in the sunlight. The sea glistened with a clear, deep blue gleam reflecting the pale cerulean of the sky above; dotted with black seabirds outlined against the golden sun. The waves rolled languidly into the shore and broke quietly on the sand; frosted with a crystal white foam. A warm breeze; quiet music._

Dan and Phil were panting by the time they reached the trees. They fell down together into the powdery sand, slipping and clutching at each other, laughing like giddy children.  
As Phil's eyes adjusted to the cool shade he propped himself up on one elbow and looked up. Dan had fallen silent and was staring at him. It made him self-conscious; but he couldn't look away.

His tanned skin and chocolate eyes, the smooth imprint of a dimple just waiting to be released by a heart stopping grin... But laying this close to him, Phil was struck breathless by the smooth, lightly defined muscles – iridescent in the sunlight – that spanned his golden shoulders and chest. He let his gaze slip lower, to the abs he'd seen a thousand times, but which seemed so utterly different today.

Dan was his best friend. He really shouldn't be noticing the way his subtle muscles rippled downwards into the waistband of his swimming trunks...

* * *

"You've been working out." Phil teased, reaching down to run his hand along the smooth muscles. But Dan caught Phil's hand in his before he could make contact.

Phil looked up quickly into those auburn eyes again. Dan's expression was intense, almost threatening.  
For a moment, Phil thought Dan was angry. But before could react, Dan pulled Phil to him in a rough embrace and covered his mouth with a hungry kiss. Phil responded immediately, surprising himself. Dan's mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips softer than he could have imagined. His skin was hot and yielding in Phil's arms, his tongue wet and willing as it slipped inside his mouth. The musky fragrance of Dan's hair mixed with the sweetness of his lips and left Phil reeling as a rush of electricity ran over his skin and tingled down his spine. Abruptly, Dan pulled away; as if burnt. He jumped up jerkily off the sand and froze, breathing rapidly.

"I'm sorry" he whispered in a strangled tone.  
"It's okay," Phil murmured, looking down at the ground. He was afraid; of seeming too eager maybe, or disappointed.

"I'm sorry." Dan repeated. "Let's go back. Quickly, before they notice we're gone."  
He took Phil quickly by the hand to help him up, avoiding looking into his eyes. As they made their way out of the trees and back towards the sea, Phil gazed up at the sun and prayed silently that Dan couldn't hear his heartbeat as it pounded out its frantic song at five hundred miles per hour.


	3. September

**September**

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds  
Admit impediments. Love is not love  
Which alters when it alteration finds,  
Or bends with the remover to remove:  
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark!  
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;  
It is the star to every wandering bark,  
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.  
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks  
Within his bending sickle's compass come:  
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,  
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.  
If this be error and upon me proved,  
I never writ, nor no man ever loved!"

Dan attempted a flourish but lost his balance and, arms windmilling desperately, fell off the bed with a thud. Phil was doubled over in the duvet laughing hysterically. "Dan you idiot." He giggled.

"It was beautiful don't lie." Came Dan's muffled voice from the floor. "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate." he teased as he heaved himself back onto the bed and nuzzled into Phil's chest with a contented sigh. "Ahh Shakespeare. What more could a man want."

"Cereal." said Phil, pushing Dan away and jumping out of bed.

* * *

Dan followed behind a few minutes later grumbling loudly. "And there's me trying to be all romantic after our first night as a couple. Typical man, ruled by his stomach." He tutted, jumping out of the way as Phil tried to pull him into a hug.

"Sorry," said Phil, applying puppy-dog-eyes and catching Dan's hand with a kiss. "Is this better?" He asked, kissing his way flamboyantly up Dan's arm.

"Get off, I don't want your slobber all over me!" giggled Dan. "I'm gonna need a shower now." He sighed dramatically. "You could come with me if you want. I'll be careful not to drop the soap." He sniggered.

Phil cringed as he wrapped his arms around Dan's tall frame. "You're the worst." He mumbled, burying his face in Dan's neck. Dan lifted Phil's chin gently to gaze tenderly into Phil's crystal blue eyes, before tentatively touching his lips against Phil's. Phil returned the kiss instantly, softly at first but deepening as the warm glow spread throughout his body. His hands entwined themselves in Dan's soft hair and his body curved around his figure, craving the warmth and contact. He didn't have to think, it was utterly and completely natural and as he pulled away gasping for air he smiled brilliantly. "It'll take a while getting used to that."

* * *

Dan's voice echoed around the flat as he belted out the last few lines of 'I will always love you' over the running of the shower. Phil smiled fondly to himself as he munched on some cereal, still giddy and light headed from the kiss. He skipped lightly around the living room, tidying aimlessly as he waited to surprise Dan when he got out of the shower. As he gazed out the window he toyed fretfully with his shirt buttons, wondering if he should take it off and _really_ give Dan a shock. They'd been taking it impossibly slowly and Phil didn't know how Dan would react. In a moment of rash boldness he pulled his shirt off over his head and stripped to his boxers, sprawling his ivory body out on the floor in front of the bathroom in what he hoped was a seductive pose.

The bathroom door fell open, flooding the hallway with hot steam and the sweet scent of strawberry shower gel. Dan was framed in the doorway; his tan skin contrasting against the white towel hung loosely around his waist, his eyes wide and fixed on Phil's reclining body.

"Paint me like one of your French girls, Howell." growled Phil, before bursting into awkward, nervous laughter and hiding his blushing face with his hands. In one smooth movement, Dan was at Phil's side, his soft lips pressed hungrily against Phil's, the towel forgotten in the doorway.


	4. October

**October**

_Halloween_

Dan was shoved Phil manfully onto the train as the doors tried to close on them. Hyper and giddy with excitement they fell laughing into the compartment; already full of a mixture of grinning youtubers and fans in a hot, high spirited crush. The train rattled through the tunnel throwing them forcibly into each other's arms. Phil turned his shining face to Dan and grinned. "You look adorable. Have I mentioned that already? Because you really do."

Dan stroked Phil's face with his paw and tapped his cat ears lightly. "I've got nothing on you. Girl." He grinned.

An alarming jolt interrupted their embrace and they made a wild grab for the pole to save themselves from an untimely visit to the floor. Phil got there first and Dan was flung out of the way, falling ungracefully to the floor. His hat was skewed half over his eyes as he pulled himself up and pouted in Phil's direction. "I could have died, you bitch."

Phil giggled and helped Dan to his feet. He didn't have time to apologise though as the train stopped suddenly and the entire carriage swarmed relentlessly out of the tiny doors and into the throng of the station. Dan lost Phil's hand in the mass of bodies and stopped dead - causing the people behind to ram painfully into his back - looking frantically over the heads of the crowd for Phil's messy black hair.

Phil appeared beside him in an instant, grinning. Dan's heartbeat slowed back to normal as he entwined his fingers in Phil's. "I thought I'd lost you." He accused. "Come on, we better hurry or they'll go without us."

* * *

The crystal water flowing through the fountain sparkled in the moonlight. Phil smiled down at Dan's shimmering reflection in the clear pool. He fumbled quickly in his pocket for some change. "I'm going to make a wish!" He declared.

"Ooo what are you wishing for?" Asked Dan, intrigued.

"I can't tell you silly. Then it wouldn't come true." Phil glanced at Dan and a soft smile spread across his lips. He closed his eyes, raised his face to the moon and threw a scattering of coins into the cool water.

"You're only supposed to throw one you idiot." Laughed Dan.

"I know. But I want to make extra sure this one comes true."

Dan could see his face reflected in Phil's glimmering eyes. He took Phil's hand lightly and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Whatever it is, it will come true. I promise." He said softly.

Phil's pink lips stretched into a smile. "What are you going to wish for?" He asked, his nose crinkling into a shy grin.

"No secret," said Dan. "I wish... for us. For this moment to never end. For forever. Oh God that sounded so cheesy." He laughed looking down at his lap. His eyes peeked bashfully from under his thick lashes, looking for Phil's reaction.

Phil was silent for a moment, staring intently at Dan.

"Dan?" He said timidly.

Dan looked up, instantly regretting his words.

"Dan.

I love you." Phil whispered.

Dan blinked. Phil's eyes were wide and glistening. His black hair tussled and iridescent in the moonlight, catching all the colours of the spectrum as he moved. His warm breath smelled of strawberry and summer fruits, and his slow breathing filled the entire night.

"I love you too."


	5. November

**November**

Hot steam mingled with their warm breath and the scent of cherry shower gel. Dan forced himself to keep his eyes in Phil's as Phil slowly undressed, pausing to touch his lips again and again against Dan's warm face; his soft hair; the subtle curve of his neck...

Dan ran his hands lightly down Phil's bare back, collecting the beads of moisture with his fingertips. He could hear Phil's heavy breathing over the running of the shower and the slip-slide of soft fabric as Phil tugged his shirt off. He pressed his lips tenderly against Phil's, entwining his arms around his neck. Their bare skin moulded together as he curved around his figure. Slowly and softly. A kiss; a caress. Moving their bodies together in time as they held each other closer and tighter, allowing the sensation to seep into every cell and overflow into the hot water.


	6. December

**December**

"Shit it's cold!" Gasped Dan, running up and down on the spot and blowing hot air on his fingers. "Hurry up Phil I'm dying of pneumonia out here." He turned and gazed out of the doorway.

The snow spiralled and danced through the air. Already a fine layer was forming on the ground and frosting the tree tops. Dan smiled and murmured under his breath as he took Phil's hand and stepped out into the night.

"Let us walk in the white snow;

In a soundless space;

With footsteps quiet and slow;

At a tranquil pace,  
Under veils of white lace."

* * *

Phil stuck out his pink tongue to catch a snowflake, his eyes lighting up at the sweet, cool sensation that was gone so swiftly. He dropped Dan's hand and span around in giddy circles, his shining face turned to the sky. Dan laughed and ran along beside him, maturity forgotten in their sweet delight. The snow glittered under the streetlamps as it spiralled down from the stars in flurries of white. Already, it was starting to build up against cars and walls where the wind had blown it. A glint came to Dan's eye and he crouched down quickly to scoop up a fistful of cold snow. Phil was still enthralled by the flakes on his face and nearly fell over when an icy snowball collided with a thud with his shoulder. He whipped around, instantly on the attack.

They circled, grinning wildly, each waiting for the other to make the first move. In the same instant, they ducked down behind opposite cars – gathering great armfuls of snow off the bonnets. Phil was first off the mark, hitting Dan square in the back of the neck with a splattering of icy wetness. Dan screamed aloud in horror. "You bitch!" He gasped, as the freezing water ran down his back.

He retaliated instantly and mercilessly with a double shot: one to the ear and another crippling shot to the knee. Before Phil could react, he sprinted down the darkened street reaching down to gather another handful of snow as he ran.

* * *

The snow was falling thick and fast by the time they reached the abandoned hospital. Breathless and bruised, and both soaked through to the skin, they fell down in the snow panting.

"Truce!" wheezed Dan, clutching his sides as he gasped for air.

"Okay okay!" laughed Phil, his chest heaving in the snow, face flushed with adrenalin.

Lying on his back, Dan took Phil's hand in his and gazed up into the black velvet of the night. As his heart rate slowed he smiled at the stars. "Look Phil. It's Orion. And over there's the bear... and those five next to the moon make a little heart." He grinned and turned his head to face Phil. His flushed cheeks and warm skin contrasted against the glistening white of the snow and his black hair blended into the night. His pale skin was iridescent and glowing in the moonlight and his eyes sparkled with the reflection of the stars.

Dan gazed unblinking. Phil's eyes were a translucent cerulean glimmering softly in the pale light as he stared steadily back. His warm breath melted the snow that fell on his face and tiny rivulets of shimmering water ran down from his snow soaked hair. The water pooled in each curve and ran in droplets down his smooth cheekbones, hesitating at the crest of his lips as though to hang in one last sparkling moment before dropping silently to the ground and soaking back into the snow.

The breath caught in Dan's throat. Without thinking, he leaned forwards in one smooth motion and brought Phil's lips to his. In that moment, the heat that radiated from their entwined bodies could have melted the entire field and they wouldn't have noticed.

* * *

We shall walk in velvet shoes:  
Wherever we go  
Silence will fall like dews  
On white silence below.  
We shall walk in the snow.


	7. January

**January**

_All the hot chocolate and sweet Christmas caks,_

_Are nothing to the heat of your embrace,_

_Hot water bottles and spiced mulled wine too,_

_Will never compare to the warmth within you._


	8. February

**February**

_Valentine's Day_

"Bye. Love you."

"You're leaving me for five whole hours. On _Valentine's day_. Worst boyfriend ever." Phil pouted.

"Oh shush I'll be back before you know it. And you agreed with me we weren't gonna do anything, It's just a stupid excuse to waste money on cards and stuff." Dan saw Phil's downcast expression and softened, wrapping his arms around his waist. "I haven't seen my family in ages. They miss me too you know. We can celebrate when I get back." He winked, using Phil's blush to escape quickly with a wave and jump into the waiting taxi.

* * *

It was a long train journey from London back home. Dan watched the rolling fields and light patchwork of colours - hidden under a sparkling of frost - sweep past the window. His eyes followed the water droplets as they chased each other across the window pane, lost in thought.

The carriage was pretty full, so as they reached East Croydon three teenage boys came to sit around his table. A light scuffle when they spotted him for the double seat. The skinniest boy was shoved next to him, protesting loudly. "I'm not sitting next to the faggot mate. I'm too beautiful." Snickered the leader.

That was all; but it was enough to make him shrink away from the boys and curl up in his seat, gazing out the window at the blur of winter colours. At first, it had been nothing. He'd always have Phil with him. They'd just laugh and walk away, and think about how stupid the hecklers were, and how lonely and insecure they must be. If it was really bad, Phil would give his hand a squeeze, and Dan would squeeze back, and then it would be okay. It was okay.

But they were relentless. And as time wore on, it began to take its toll on Dan. Phil seemed fine, in his own beautiful world of perfect happiness. But Dan was wearing slowly away. His stomach curled uncomfortably as he remembered Phil's face as he left him on the doorstep that morning. He'd made plans for Valentine's day; a movie, a romantic dinner. They barely ever left the flat anymore, he'd said. Dan had replied with a long rant about the commercialism of love and how tacky the whole affair was; and Phil had turned away quietly, shoulders drooping.

How could Dan possibly tell him that he couldn't stand the stares, the abuse, the casual words thrown about or muttered under someone's breath when they thought they were out of earshot? Phil was immune, blissful. But as he hugged his knees to his chest on the hard, scratchy blue train seat; Dan was fighting back tears.

* * *

"Daniel!" His mum squealed, pulling him into a rib cracking hug. "It's been too long. Is it possible you've... grown? This is getting ridiculous I can barely reach your shoulders!" She scolded, before pulling him into another hug, beaming.

His Dad clapped him on the back and ushered him inside. "It's good to see you." He said gruffly.

His little brother Ben came pounding down the stairs but stopped awkwardly at the bottom remembering he was too old for hugs. Dan grinned and pompously offered his hand instead. Ben glowered and reluctantly gave him a quick squeeze. "Marmite is dead by the way. And he managed to eat the rest of the fish before he went." He said conversationally. Dan shook his head and laughed. It was good to be home.

* * *

The smell of roast dinner wafted through the house and Dan's stomach growled noisily. "Dinner's ready!" He yelled, switching the TV of at the socket.

"What!?" Yelped Ben angrily. Dan was losing, and he knew it. "You did that deliberately you faggot!" he yelled, chucking the controller on the floor. Dan winced. He knew he hadn't meant it, not like that, but the stinging pain in his chest stayed with him all the way downstairs.

* * *

The same old photos were still on the mantelpiece, the dusty ornaments just as he remembered. The familiar scent of home sunk deep into each cushion and fabric. He grinned across the table at his mum as she fussed over him, pouring ridiculous amounts of gravy on his potatoes. "Do you want anymore of anything or is that enough for now?"

"You could feed an army with this!" Dan laughed, tucking in greedily.

The sound of contented munching filled the air for a few minutes as everyone tucked in. Gradually as their stomachs filled conversation struck up; the dead cat and the tearful burial of the first fish, the old lady across the road that still washed her underwear in the birdbath.

"So how's Phil?" Asked his mum.

A fond smile crept across Dan's face "He's great. Sill as adorable as ever." He laughed, stopping himself suddenly. A tense silence filled the air. "Er you know how you always said he was really sweet and lovely, mum? You definitely used the word adorable I didn't mean..." His sentence trailed off and he stared awkwardly down into his peas.

His dad frowned, shooting Dan a piercing stare. "Well obviously not. You've probably got a girlfriend by now, right?"

"Um... no actually." He mumbled. His Dad's brow furrowed deeper and Ben stopped eating, raising his eyebrow quizzically. Dan panicked. "Well I mean I did but we just broke up. It didn't work out but I'm fine."

His dad relaxed and his brother picked up his fork. Dan sat back up in his seat and started shovelling meat into his mouth, sweating slightly. Why couldn't he tell them? They were his family for Christ's sake.

* * *

Stuffed almost painfully full, Dan lounged sleepily across the brown sofa. It surprised him how easily he could fall back into this old routine, despite being away so long. His mum was reading a book quietly in the armchair and his Dad and Ben shared the other sofa, flicking aimlessly through the TV channels.

Gok Wan exploded flamboyantly onto the screen. "How to look good, _naked_!"

"Mum likes this program, don't you." Snickered Ben.

"I _do not_!" gasped his mum blushing.

"That guy's _soo_ gay." Ben chortled, shaking his head.

"Well he's not." Muttered his Dad, darkly. "They just say that for attention. It's a pathetic excuse to ogle at naked women... He's just another dirty pervert like the rest of the queers."

Dan blinked. He had to remind himself how to breathe, frozen silently on the couch. He looked around frantically. Ben had hardly even reacted to the statement.

Thank God his mum seemed shocked. "Oh really! He's not doing any harm. He makes women feel good about themselves again in a way straight men just don't have the capacity to do." She said in a rush, flustered. She looked down at her book.

"I feel sorry for their mothers though." She added soberly.

"Oh yeah!" Laughed Ben, "I remember when you cried for ages when you thought Dan was gay and you wouldn't get any grandchildren!"

Dan's mum went bright red. "Well he's not and neither are you so shut up. That was ages ago. When he first met Phil." She laughed lightly.

"What?" Gasped Dan, shocked out of his frozen horror.

"I'm okay now," She said, embarrassed. "It's just.. I'm a mother. I live for you boys. My only dream is to see you married and with beautiful little children all running around. Then I could die happy." She laughed. "Which obviously you couldn't do if you were.. gay. I mean it's unnatural. Even if you adopted, it wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be okay for the poor children and-"

Dan got up suddenly, stopping her short. "Um. Toilet." He said blankly, and strode out of the room.

The lock turned with a click. The key fell out of his shaking hands and clattered onto the tiled floor. He gripped his hands on the cold sink, trying to calm his trembling body, and slowly lifted his head to stare at his reflection in the cracked mirror. _Unnatural_.

The image of his mother, crouched over her bed and sobbing. Heart wrenching sobs that ripped through her frail, vulnerable form.

It filled every corner of his mind, leeching into his eyes until he could no longer see his reflection. Just his mum. Shuddering. Weeping. _His fault._

The image swam and contorted. He felt sick. Gagging on his self hatred. He wanted to rip his eyes out. Tear at his flesh.

* * *

Nearly home. He could run to Phil, sink into his arms, let him kiss away the pain...

no.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. _One new message_: Phil Lester "Miss you! Check youtube ^^ Happy Valentine's day :3 Xxxx"

Bile rose in his throat as the conflicting emotions ripped through his stomach. He wanted to vomit. Wi-Fi had connected, he was outside their front door. Shaking slightly, he pulled up youtube and waited for his subscriptions page to load.

[valentine's day video – if you don't know what this is, congratulations – you survived a shitstorm ^^ basically an april fools video where Phil confessed his love for Dan and described some memories etc - it was made back whenthe phan ship was first discovered but deleted as a lot of people thought it was real.]

The tinkling music filled his mind and flowed hauntingly through his frozen limbs. He stared blankly at the door. Interrupted by fireworks. _Phil._

Each memory had seemed so vivid, so excruciatingly painful as Phil described it. The light reflecting off his eyes as they kissed in the snow. The stars over the shimmering fountain. The black velvet night.

An anger like no other he had ever felt boiled in his stomach. The flames leaping up towards his chest and blazing through his veins. Phil did this deliberately. Despite everything he had said. And the music at the end. HIS favourite music. The one that reminded him so perfectly of Phil.

Shudders ran through his body as he wrenched the door open. Phil's face lit up as he rounded the corner, then fell. He started backing away slowly, his eyes wide. "D-Dan? What's wrong?"

"YOU IDIOT!" Dan screamed. Advancing towards Phil's trembling form. "Why'd you put that on fucking youtube? We were supposed to keep it a secret. Or are you too thick to even understand that word. You're fucking disgusting! And pathetic. Take it down. Now. Before anyone sees." _Mum._

"I thought you'd like it I I missed you and I just wanted to say it properly I-"

"WELL I DON'T FUCKING LIKE IT DO I!" He was struggling to breathe. The words were choking in his throat. "Get rid of it. I never want to see it again. I – GET OFF ME YOU FAGGOT."

The word hung in the air like ice.

Dan was shaking uncontrollably, tears flowing freely from his eyes. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm so sorry." _Mum. Phil._

I'm so sorry.


	9. March

**March**

The video had been deleted. A cover story, it was a joke. Things were back to normal. But not the same.

* * *

A fierce wind whipped through Dan's hair, driving icy pellets of rain against his face. He pulled his hood up over his ears, hunching his shoulders against the bitter cold and squinting through the torrent of rain and swirling leaves. His feet splashed on the sodden pavement soaking straight through his canvas shoes to his frozen toes and he headed for an alleyway to seek shelter from the storm. The tall walls blocked out what little sun could be seen through the black clouds and he was plunged instantly into darkness.

The road was eerily quiet and his footsteps echoed dissonantly off the grey, faceless walls. He advanced cautiously, trying to see into the smog of darkness that consumed the other end of the alley.

Another pair of footsteps echoed down the alleyway behind him, approaching fast. Dan glanced surreptitiously over his shoulder. Two hooded figures, gaining swiftly. He quickened his pace, heart rate rocketing – he stopped dead.

A pair of strangers emerged like silent shadows from the gloom in front of him, lumbering leisurely towards him and pausing a few paces in front to lean carelessly against the concrete wall.

"Nice jeans, faggot."

The smaller figure straightened up and walked casually towards Dan, stopping less than a metre away and squaring his shoulders. In this proximity Dan could smell his hot breath; thick with the stench of tobacco and stale beer. A shudder ran through his spine.

"What you staring at, faggot. You like what you see don't you. Well too bad for you I'm not a big fan of queers. And you picked the wrong night to bump into me and my mates, ain't that right boys." The small thug sneered.

Without warning, an iron fist slammed into Dan's gut. He doubled over gasping for breath and another punch swung out of the darkness and hit him square in the jaw. A fist grabbed his hair and forced his head back. Another caught his arm as he tried to swing a desperate punch blindly into the darkness and pulled it behind his back in an excruciating lock.

"Careful boys, don't want to ruin his lovely hair. I bet he spent hours on it so he could look pretty for us." Jeered the smallest man, as he watched a brute swing his thick arm. Held by the hair and unable to defend himself, the fist connected with a sickening thud. Blood spurted from Dan's nose and the scene swam before his eyes. The thug holding his hair released him and he crumpled to the wet floor without a sound. He curled up in a tight ball and squeezed his eyes shut against the torrent of insults and merciless assault.

A Nike trainer, splattered with mud, smashed into his ribs with a nauseating crack. A fist coated with wet blood caught his shoulder sending him sprawling into the dirt. Another fist. Pounding into his shuddering legs.

The dull thuds of shoe contacting flesh mixed with the deluge of yells and insults echoed down the darkened alleyway and into the driving rain.

Eventually, the thugs fell silent. Directing their anger into Dan's trembling, broken body. A foot connected with the hollow base of Dan's spine causing him to cry out and spasm reflexively, releasing his arms from their protective cradle around his head. The small guy, who had stayed quietly in the shadows throughout the assault, seized this moment and leapt forwards with a deranged cry. Dan's skull cracked easily under the impact.

Black.

* * *

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Dan seriously. What's up?"

"Nothing's wrong I'm just tired that's all."

"You have a cut on your lip."

"Yeah I bit it."

"Where were all day? And what's with the bandage?"

"I went to se friends I told you I - don't touch me!"

"Dan shh I just-"

"I said don't fucking touch me! I'm going to bed."

* * *

Phil crawled into the warm bed beside Dan, snuggling into his back and-

"Get out!" Dan's voice was hysterical and his eyes opened wide as he forcibly pushed Phil away and onto the cold floor.

"Dan? What's the matter? What have I done?" Phil gazed fearfully at the darkened figure, frozen with shock on the floor.

"You haven't done anything I just-" Dan took a deep steadying breath, carefully avoiding eye contact with Phil. "I'd just like to sleep on my own tonight. That's all."

"Dan. Talk to me please. You can tell me anything. I love you so much Dan, it hurts. To see you upset." Phil moved beseechingly towards Dan, hand outstretched: pleading.

Dan snapped. Ripping the bedcovers off and turning with a feral snarl on Phil's cowering body, his eyes filled with pure hatred. "GET OUT GET OUT! DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME FAGGOT!"

Phil fled.

_In two adjoining bedrooms, muse blasted through two pairs of headphones; muffling the sound of two sets of broken sobs that ripped through the night._


	10. April

**April**

Steam surrounded his head as hot tears poured into the cold traces of many that came before.

A scrap of pale paper lay on the sink. A single sentence in black ink scrawled across the white expanse, smudged in places by the salty droplets of water.

_Liquid remains of dreams unfulfilled run down my cheeks to a heart that's been stilled._


	11. May

**May **

One month since the day Dan snapped. His bed was cold and empty, his smell almost lost from the sheets.

He'd left Phil. Alone.

And Phil wasn't coping too well.

* * *

Phil's chest burned. "Why did you come back?"

Dan's eyes caught Phil's, his voice so low it felt more like a breath, "I don't know."

And then, as Phil wanted to hurt him or hold him or anything to calm the whir of rising panic inside, Dan reached out and wrapped his hand around Phil's neck, pulled him to himself, and kissed him.

It wasn't a gentle, tentative kiss either. Like that first touch on the Manchester eye.

This kiss tasted of desperation and regret. Of aching and needing, and as Dan pulled him tighter, Phil needed him right back. His lips were sweet orange and spicy halva running down his throat.

And for a second, Phil did nothing. Didn't move, didn't breathe. Just tried to keep a hold of what little piece of reality remained.

Then, it didn't matter. Phil curled his arms around Dan's shoulders kissed him with everything he was and everything he'd lost, loosing himself in the depth of Dan's existence and forgetting the weeks of pain and isolation and-

"I'm sorry." Dan broke away, and brought his hand to cradle Phil's jaw, his chocolate eyes in Phil's. "I'm so sorry."

He closed his eyes briefly and took one long, deep, shuddering breath; as though to hold the moment in his lungs forever.

And then, he was gone.

The kiss had been barely audible, but the echo lasted long into the night.


	12. June

**June **

I can't live without you.

The text was short, to the point. Dan had arrived on the doorstep twenty minutes later with the same suitcase he'd left with. They didn't embrace. It was easier that way.

And everything is back to normal. But not even close. They still do everything together, liveshows and videos keep coming and they're still best friends. Still Dan and Phil. As far as the world can see, nothing has changed. They quietly deleted every dailybooth conversation, every incriminating picture or tweet, and every scrap of information without a whisper. Pretending it had never happened. It's easier that way.

And sometimes, they're almost happy.

Sometimes they catch themselves laughing, just as they used to, letting the waves of laughter wash away the ice cold memories and float back to a simpler time. Just two best friends, sharing a moment. But then a shadow passes across their eyes. They turn away. Leave quietly.

There is nothing to show for that black month of solitude. Except for the pale white scars that run up the length of Phil's arm and down deep into Dan's wrists. Neither mentions it. It's easier that way.

A thin, invisible film of ice surrounds both men now. It prevents them from ever touching, because when they do – even accidentally – it's like an electric shock. And as time passes it becomes easier. Easier to just look away. Easier to shut themselves in their separate bedrooms when they realise they're going to break.

Sometimes, it's easier to be alone.


	13. July, 2013

**July 2013**

_Summer in the city_

The grass was green and lush, light and springy under foot and glowing in the summer haze. Dan grinned at Phil's flustered face over the heads of the thronging, squealing girls. They were both so much taller than the crowd and Phil was struggling to stay upright. Phil flashed a dazed smile back and the air was punched out of Dan's lungs as the sunlight caught the lights of Phil's eyes. He was so fucking beautiful.

The dull ache in his core that had been dormant and sleeping for so long exploded into a boiling mess of hot lava, protesting and writhing around in his chest. He hadn't had an attack this bad in months. And why here? Surrounded by all these thousands of people?

He clutched his sides forcing a grin on his face and turning back to the fans. Slowly, reluctantly, the pain began to fade as he kept his eyes as far away from Phil as possible.

A girl caught his eye from across the park, also surrounded by hordes of people. He recognised her instantly from youtube parties and her soft curls danced in the summer breeze. He struck out towards her, making slow progress through the mess of bodies, desperate to get as far away from Phil as possible. Caitlin's emerald eyes sparkled in the sun as she caught sight of him and gave him a warm smile. "Hi Dan," She grinned.

Before he could say anything, a short girl with lots of frizzy hair wearing a 'TabbyKat15' shirt jumped in between them, screaming her name hysterically. As he waited politely for Caitlin to fend off the sobbing girl, Dan tried to lose himself in her soft smile and the tinkling bells of her gentle voice. She had such pale glowing skin, her eyes were glistening pools of light, shimmering blue grey... Crap. He blinked quickly, forcing the image of Phil out of his mind.

* * *

Three years is a long time.

* * *

Of course neither of them had anyone else. It just doesn't work that way. Maybe if he hadn't given up, if he'd stayed away that first time, things would be different. He'd have a beautiful girlfriend like Caitlin. Successful and perfect. Everything he'd ever wanted in life. She could be happy. Phil would be free.

He tried to picture his mum's face as he brought her home and introduced her. It was an image he clung onto throughout the darkest days; the light in her eyes, the hope.

Could he do it

Could he pretend to love someone else

It would make his parents so happy. Everything would be easy. Uncomplicated. Perfect.

_But Phil._

* * *

He pretended not to notice the scars. But while they couldn't touch his skin, they slashed straight through his torn and broken heart. _All his fault._

_A tumblr message: Have you seen that thing that someone has? You need to stop fucking pretending just come out already it's not fair you're such a dick._

_A phone call from his Dad, ominously quiet, mercilessly polite. What's this about then?_

_Denial. Scorn. Anger. It's bullshit I swear it is Dad. I hate them so much. I hate it._

_Phil's face in the hall, a sweet innocent smile._

_The blistering red mark left on his soft, delicate skin. Slapped brutally across his fragile cheekbones._

_The bewildered tears pricking at the edges of his eyes._

_The fresh scars. Never fading._

* * *

Dan shook his head frantically trying to clear the swirling image and swallowed repeatedly to dull the burning in his throat. He glanced around him nervously. No one had noticed. He blinked furiously and surreptitiously wiped away the blazing moisture at the corners of his eyes. His hands were clenched into tight fists. The memories were old and new. The pain was close.

It would be better to leave. Better for Phil. He wouldn't have to put up with Dan's mood swings, his dark days. He could start to rebuild his life, meet someone else... and maybe, without Dan, the scars would fade.

Caitlin was mob packed by her fans and they were taking no notice of Dan. He quickly made his excuses and headed off; he could catch up with her later at the after party. Truthfully she was out of his league, having already passed the coveted million subscribers mark it was amazing that she'd even turned up. He stared guiltily at the ground as he made his way back towards the sea of llama hats and malteesers.

For now though, there was only one person he wanted to see. But from a distance. Never too close.

Just in case.

* * *

It was dark in the flat. Only the dusty glow from the television illuminated the living room as Phil slumped on the sofa, exhausted. He was ignoring Dan, angrily stuffing his face with leftover party food.

It was the briefest of touch. The crowd was jostling them so they could barely move and Phil had momentarily brushed Dan's hand with his own. The current burnt like lightning as it cracked across their skin. They'd long softened the contact barrier, slipping painfully back into playful best friends – at least while the camera was watching. But Dan was still weak after his attack and snapped, slapping Phil's hand away with a stifled yelp.

* * *

And later, in the dingy corridor ripe with the stench of alcohol, Dan had drunkenly confronted Phil.

_Faggot._

_You're disgusting_

_You should go kill yourself_

_It's fucking unnatural_

_Queer _

_Get away from me you dirty pervert _

_Unnatural _

_unnatural._

* * *

And now, as a hush falls over the city, Dan stands alone on the balcony. He lifts his face to the stars. It's been so long since he gazed at the moon. Lately, he just looks at the ground. Tries to avoid Phil's mournful glances. It's a routine now. They get too close. Dan snaps. They separate. They can't live without each other. They tried once, it nearly killed them. But they can't be together. Because Dan's straight. Because he loves his family. Because he's weak.

A siren wails in the distance. Hot tears fall silently down Dan's face, stinging in the cool night air. Inside, Phil muffles his own sobs with an oversized plush cushion. _I'm so sorry. It's my fault._ _It's all my fault. I'm so sorry._

Just their routine.

They can't let each other see. It's easier this way.

* * *

Sometimes, he hates Phil. With every bone in his body. Without Phil, it would be easy. He'd have a perfect girlfriend. A perfect family. It would be easy.

Sometimes, he hates Phil so much he wishes he could creep in at night and smother him in his sleep, and watch as the light drains from beautiful blue eyes. The eyes that hurt so much when they cry.

Sometimes he wishes. But of course, it's not that simple.

Because all the time, he loves him.

* * *

The only thing that silences the tears that flow through the flat is the sweet escape of sleep.

In their dreams, nothing can keep them apart.


End file.
